can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
