how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
