Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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