How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
