Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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