Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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