"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We don't watch enough power rangers
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
