The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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