ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
