Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
