apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
