dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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