No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
