at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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