I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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