I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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