rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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