why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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