Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sext me about skeletons
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
