Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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