he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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