I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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