as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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