I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
