When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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