We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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