just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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