Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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