I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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