Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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