I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
