If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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