Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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