i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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