also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
