He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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