funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
