what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
