another moral hangover. fuck.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy