The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
