see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
