Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
