theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
