My liver just broke up with me...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
