are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
