I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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