dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
