Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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