Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
