dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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