i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
