Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
