...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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