he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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