You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
