so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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