My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
