I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
