Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
