How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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