can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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