I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
